11-26-16
Saturday after Thanksgiving.
This was such a strange Thanksgiving for me this year. It felt so....lacking. Lacking in thanks, even in interest. Numb. I did not spend time on my own reflecting on the things I'm thankful for in my life, and I did not share those reflections with my family at the table at Thanksgiving. It felt like just another meal.
I feel bad for having these feelings. Like I'm not allowed. It's not that I am not thankful for the the things I have, and especially the people I have...I am. But I am uncomfortably numb to all of it.
I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep tonight after thinking about all of this all day, and being disturbed by it. I remembered feeling when I was troubled by things in life. When I would lay in bed at night and think over my troubling things, it felt like a spike in my chest holding me to the bed.
I feel bad for having these feelings. Like I'm not allowed. It's not that I am not thankful for the the things I have, and especially the people I have...I am. But I am uncomfortably numb to all of it.
I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep tonight after thinking about all of this all day, and being disturbed by it. I remembered feeling when I was troubled by things in life. When I would lay in bed at night and think over my troubling things, it felt like a spike in my chest holding me to the bed.
I hated it. And loved it. I held onto that feeling. It was something I could be grounded in. I had an intimate relationship with... feeling.
The state of things in life, the Universe and everything is so troubling. Personally, I feel like I'm just standing here, watching life go by, and crumble down. This is true of my individual life, of the lives connected to my life, of the lives not connected to my life, of my state, my country, the whole world it seems. It feels like the earth is crumbling beneath me sometimes, and I'm just standing there watching it happen. But I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling. There are good things and terrible things. I'm not feeling any of it.
It's rather unsatisfying. It's also a form of protection. I recognize it, and I recognize that there is value in doing this. The value runs right along side the harm. The value being that if I can't feel the troubling things, then I can't be hurt by them (at least in theory). The harm being, in my experience, if I protect myself for too long, or too deeply, I lose me. When I lose me, it takes a long time to find me again, and I'm not me anymore.
I get the sense that this is not unique to me either. Many people go and stay deeply inward to protect themselves. I just don't want to be numb. Numbness means I'm losing me. Losing sight of my goals, by going to deeply inward.
There is an interesting para-dime to this idea however. Retreating deeply inward can also be a way, sometimes the only way, to make sense of the trouble. To take stock of me....of my goals, and strengths and weaknesses. To record my dreams, and remember them. To create new dreams, and aim myself toward them. To build a supply of tools and knowledge that will get me through "the trouble". To ground and center myself, and be allowed to feel.
The state of things in life, the Universe and everything is so troubling. Personally, I feel like I'm just standing here, watching life go by, and crumble down. This is true of my individual life, of the lives connected to my life, of the lives not connected to my life, of my state, my country, the whole world it seems. It feels like the earth is crumbling beneath me sometimes, and I'm just standing there watching it happen. But I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling. There are good things and terrible things. I'm not feeling any of it.
It's rather unsatisfying. It's also a form of protection. I recognize it, and I recognize that there is value in doing this. The value runs right along side the harm. The value being that if I can't feel the troubling things, then I can't be hurt by them (at least in theory). The harm being, in my experience, if I protect myself for too long, or too deeply, I lose me. When I lose me, it takes a long time to find me again, and I'm not me anymore.
I get the sense that this is not unique to me either. Many people go and stay deeply inward to protect themselves. I just don't want to be numb. Numbness means I'm losing me. Losing sight of my goals, by going to deeply inward.
There is an interesting para-dime to this idea however. Retreating deeply inward can also be a way, sometimes the only way, to make sense of the trouble. To take stock of me....of my goals, and strengths and weaknesses. To record my dreams, and remember them. To create new dreams, and aim myself toward them. To build a supply of tools and knowledge that will get me through "the trouble". To ground and center myself, and be allowed to feel.
